Twilight Hath No Critic like a Bored Hilaire

2008-06-07T23:15:00.000+08:00

Twilight Hath No Critic like a Bored Hilaire
a Twilight critique

contains spoilers
…Not that there’s so much to spoil…

I won’t even say I wanted to like Twilight. I was predisposed to hate it because my friends absolutely loathe it. Despite their disapproval, I read the book to see for myself why. It’s on principle: I don’t just dismiss a book as stupid and lame-o without reading it first. (Of course there are exceptions, like, Paulo Coelho’s works.)

Apparently, Twilight is stupid and lame-o.

There are several things about it which particularly bother me. I would have liked to first point out the summary, that ‘I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him’ part. It's sickeningly cheesy. I've read romance novels that aren't that cheesy, and where the gal doesn't go extremely gaga over the guy. I don't even think that being unconditionally and irrevocably in love is possible. Oh, well. Since it’s a romantic fiction, I’ll let that one slide.

I’ll just begin with the preface. Based on my experience, books are usually good when the first sentence draws you in, or at the very least, sounds interesting.

‘I'd never given much thought to how I would die – though I’d had reason enough in the last few months – but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.’

Not exactly that interesting, but okay enough. (Please note the hyphen, though, because Meyer uses a whole damn lot of those in the freakin' book. It's like she can't write two sentences without 'em hyphens.) I proceeded to read the rest of the preface and after finishing that, decided that maybe it was a prologue to the astounding conclusion of the book (when I finished the book, I thought, “…maybe it’s a prologue to the astounding conclusion of the series…”). Imagine my profound shock when I visited Meyer’s website and read that her preface actually fit in page 444. I checked my copy, and I was like, “Oh, so that’s it?” I certainly don’t have problems with understanding, yet never would have I imagined the preface to fit somewhere in Twilight. The least Meyer could have done was to paste that preface in page 444 so that her readers would go – “So here’s where the preface fits! I get it!” But nah, the readers are left to go figure and accept her apology for being vague. Meyer said it was all clear to her that she “didn’t realize the need” to get back to the preface. But she should remember she has readers – readers who don’t have mind-reading abilities to figure out what she’s thinking. What’s clear to her might not be clear to us. Meyer, we're not Edward Cullen. I apologize for not being gifted like he is.

I think everyone knows that the characters are essentially the ones who make up the book. It’s through them that the plot is developed, the conflicts are carried, the climax is revealed, stuff like that. And when you’re writing in a first person POV, you have to make that “first person” interesting and observant. Bella, our first person, is about as interesting as a rock. (No, wait, rocks are interesting, actually, because they help us study Earth... Okay, I say Bella is one of a kind boring. XD)

Isabella – okay, she prefers Bella - is nothing more than a Mary Sue. It doesn’t even take a genius to figure out that ‘Bella’ is Italian for ‘beautiful’. And her last name is ‘Swan’, which as a device in literature, symbolizes grace and beauty. Bella Swan? Beautiful Swan? Not very clever, really.

Here’s the big contradiction: She’s ordinary. At least that’s what she keeps on insisting throughout the book. I mean, practically everyone in her new school takes interest in her, like she's so very... attention-worthy. You'd think people in her school would have more life than paying attention to this klutzy girl who isn't even remotely interesting, but alas! you see everyone gawking at her. And she gets the guy who apparently “doesn’t date” because “none of the girls… are good-looking enough for him.” Her appearance is somewhat similar to the author’s, as well as her story of moving to a new place (see: Twilight FAQ). If it helps, she’s a klutz – a last ditching effort to not make her a complete Mary Sue. I don't even find her clumsiness funny. I think she has to see a doctor pronto. Man, it's okay to trip once in a while. But tripping on nothing every time is just not normal. And being a klutz is not a flaw enough to compensate for the five freakin' guys who are after her. Not one, not two, but five guys. Does it seem to you like Forks revolves around Bella? It seems so to me.

Most readers who like Twilight, I found out, relate to Bella. Well I don’t. I can’t. I can’t possibly relate with a young woman with no plans, no goals, no solid interests, no personality, no deep observations of life, no nothing - but is just “unconditionally and irrevocably in love with” her boyfriend. I really can’t. There’s something so shallow and pathetic about it; the way she’s willing to throw away her friends and family for a guy she has been acquainted with for just… two weeks? Besides, she is extremely boring, the sort which makes you fall asleep when she talks. And if she’s not obsessing over Edward, she does, well, nothing! Wait, she does. She whines, or she tells him and his family that she doesn’t want to be rescued even when it’s obvious that she’ll never be able to care for herself.

Meyer thinks Bella has a strong personality. Uhm, personality? No way. Bella has no personality. Strong personality? NO FRIGGIN' WAY. What is a strong personality, anyway? Being nuts over a guy? Being an idiot who can't live without her man? I thought having a strong personality are knowing who you are, what you want, and thinking rationally before you act. Is Apocalypse nearing? Are we beginning to define dog as a cat? Hello?

I would have liked it if Meyer had given Bella a little backbone and some brain cells, so she can get out of the stupid situations she puts her stupid self in. I don’t buy her “I grew up in Phoenix” statement. Nobody who grew up in a big city like Phoenix would be an idiot enough to wander around empty streets of an unfamiliar city alone. Then again, her idiocy is necessary to give way to her savior, Edward Perfect Cullen.

Edward Perfect Culen is a vampire – oops! – a perfect vampire. Edward is described as “lanky, less bulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair… more boyish than the others…” He’s the most beautiful thing which ever existed… Have I mentioned that he’s perfect? And that he has topaz eyes? And that he has the most perfect eyes, perfect nose, perfect lips, perfect face, perfect everything - even perfect feet? He's so perfect that he nearly replaces the Greek god Apollo's place in Olympus... but Meyer stops herself in time, and Apollo saves his place. I mean, being so much handsomer than Apollo himself is far too cliched, don't you think?

Edward’s also bipolar. He’s serious one time, and then laughs exuberantly another. Insane mood swings, I tell you. He’s supposed to be your perfect male protagonist – hawt!!! (not hot; it should be hawt and must always be followed by three exclamation points), dangerous, smart, mysterious, perfect, and, uhm, sparkly (although the last adjective is not really required; it’s just a bonus if you’re lucky enough). He has this stalker-ish behavior, which is sick: He sneaks into Bella’s room and watches her sleep before they even get to talk. Some think that it’s romantic, but it’s just creepy. I don’t understand what’s so romantic about it. (Geez, I think Twilight has things that I don’t and can never understand.)

Edward is 100-something years old (yes, more or less a century older than Bella, and yes, that makes him a pedophile. I mean, his hawt!!!ness doesn't change his real age, you know) and lives with his vampire family. Apparently he and his family don’t drink human blood, because they don’t want to be completely evil. They’re vegetarians: They only drink blood of animals. They are basically good vampires - who play baseball in the woods. Ha! Who told you it’s boring to be a vampire? You’re allowed to play baseball! And every myth about vampire is WRONG! Stakes, garlic, sleeping in coffin (although the idea of not sleeping ever was okay) – even sunlight!

But you know, age and race don’t matter in this book, because Edward and Bella actually fall in love! As for the reason… what is the reason again? Oh, because Bella smells good and Edward is hawt!!. They’re made for each other! It’s destiny! It's really one effed up destiny, if you ask me.

Seriously: The romance between them is forced and trite. And it’s even more boring than they both are, because they have no personality whatsoever. Geez, what am I saying? There’s no romance at all. There is no development of feelings. Just… BAM! They’re in love! They don’t even do anything but talk about how in love they are. From there, everything becomes sheer selfishness, and for the nth time, stupidity. Bella’s life revolves around her boyfriend, and nothing more. Not only is it absurd; it also gives horrible messages, namely:

1. It’s okay to fall in love in a matter of days and then risk your life for it.
2. You don’t have to have dreams or goals or anything like that; just get a girl/boyfriend. It’s far more important!
3. It’s perfectly fine to lie to your parents especially when it concerns your girl/boyfriend.
4. Ditch your friends. Girl/Boyfriend first, I tell you! Girl/Boyfriend first!

Considering the fact that Edward is so much older than Bella (like, hello, 107 years old?!), shouldn’t he be more rational? Shouldn’t he be the mature one? Knowing he can kill Bella, he should have just left her alone. But oh, he tells her to get away from him quick BUT! totally contradicts himself by approaching her himself!And how come Edward just blabbers everything to Bella? You know, the vampire stuff? For someone who has been in this world for more than a hundred years, he sure displays the maturity of a fetus.

And he’s supposed to be dangerous. Yeah, I know. He’s about as dangerous as my eraser. That could have worked, that dangerous drama, if only Bella had the wits to be actually scared. It’s funny; that girl’s so brainless you can’t possibly scare her! As for Edward, it would have been better if he had shown how dangerous he could be. Then again, he is a good vampire, and he doesn’t want to become a monster. So he can only talk about it when it would be cooler for him to show it. (“I’m dangerous. RAWR!” Haha. I'm practically shaking in laughter - I mean, terror - here.)

Oh, how could I forget! Edward SPARKLES UNDER THE SUN! Did you know that? Isn’t that cool? The coolest thing ever?! It’s like the nost magnificent thing next to Edward! Sparkly sparkles! He sparkles, man, he sparkles “like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface” of his skin! Sparkling! Glittering! Glistening! Scintillating! Oh! my! gosh! Meyer is so original! Who else could have thought that?!

The plot is absolutely zero (the romance between Bella and Edward is not a plot). It’s basically just “He’s a vampire, she’s not. They fall in love. End of story.” And there were a lot of questionable things, if not loopholes:

1. Why would the Cullens want to study in high school?! This is my number one question. Hello? Are they nuts? Can someone answer this for me?
2. Why would they want to blend in with the rest of humanity?
3. Why would they put themselves near humans when they know it’s hard to resist biting them?
4. Why would one bad vampire like to bite Bella specifically?

I’d like to answer and expand on loophole 4, because it’s absolutely preposterous. I didn’t even care about that James-vampire when he appeared, because his arrival was so cliched and so late. It’s like Meyer suddenly remembered that there should be something climax-y in Twilight, just to give it a semblance of a plot. "This James ought to do the trick. He should be the one to threaten Bella’s life and then she makes an insanely silly mistake and she almost gets killed BUT Edward rescues her!" See, that wasn’t so hard to figure out.

And another thing… why does James babble about his and Alice’s past? Like, he wasn’t even asked.
He just goes: "Due to some horribly random reasons which I myself don't know, I shall tell you about my past!" Geez.

Meyer’s writing style isn’t something to commend on either. She writes like an eleven-year old. She makes Dan Brown look like a Pulitzer Prize winner. Her words are stilted. The narration is unexciting, dragging, and redundant. Bella keeps telling the readers how much she hates the rain in the first 100 pages of the book, and how she can’t dance (I think the readers are smart enough to remember that after the first time it was mentioned – no need to keep on rubbing it). If not that, she repetitively says how perfect and beautiful Edward is (she said that about a million times). What’s ironic is that despite all the perfect descriptions of him, I never quite pictured him in my mind. I’m still wondering how the rest of humanity can drool and squeal at the thought of him. What's with his hawt!!!ness? I'm still very much caught in a quandary. Could someone, like, describe him to me? Please? I'll give you five bucks if you can. XD

Bella glares all the time, too. And she grimaces a lot, and hisses, and stumbles. Glares, grimaces, hisses, stumbles. Four redundant freakin’ verbs in a 500-page book. That’s not so much, unless you can count only to three.

Meanwhile, Edward always smiles his crooked smile, and he dazzles people (especially Bella). And don't forget: He's perfect.

Nobody ‘said’ anything. Characters only ‘gasped’, ‘chuckled’, ‘questioned’, and ‘answered’.

Meyer also occasionally uses ridiculously long words which don’t quite fit since the rest of her words are plain and simple. I remember one: Ostentatious. She could have simply used ‘showy’ or ‘flamboyant’, but it just had to be ostentatious. Why she used that, I’ve no idea. (Apparently, in the next books, Meyer uses bigger words. I wonder how big they are…)

And you know, Meyer ends Twilight with Bella attending the PROM. That’s how a vampire story should end: The heroine should attend the prom with her vampire boyfriend. In that ruffled gown and those stiletto heels… It just makes sense (although it did take Bella about ten years to figure out that Edward is taking her to the prom. What an idiot). Meyer skipped the almost action-y part (Emmett and Jasper’s dealing with James) but she elaborates on the prom. Wow. She amazes me. Like, really.

According to the awesome Miguel Cervantes de Saavedra, the author of Don Quixote, "There's no book so bad that there's nothing good in it". I used to think he was right... until I read Twilight. I was willing to acknowledge the fact that the cover of the book kind of gives the impression that what's inside isn't some random claptrap - I was willing to say that it's the book's saving grace. I changed my mind when I read that the apple says that Bella has the knowledge of good and evil. Please - the girl doesn't know anything. I didn't even see good and/or evil in Twilight. I saw stupidity, yes. But definitely not good and/or evil. Did anyone?

Now that I’ve finished reading and dissecting Twilight, I still don’t understand all the hype it’s getting. I sincerely don’t. Twilight reads like a baaaddd fan fiction, the sort which makes you gag because its author tells the world her delusions. It’s a complete bore, although I have to admit that some of its absurd parts are absolutely laughable. I recommend it to no one, not even my worst enemy. Of course, I won't stop you from reading it. Just a note: If you want to write something good, please don't follow Meyer's example. She shows mediocrity at its best.

How About That!

Twilight Hath No Critic like a Bored Hilaire