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Twilight Hath No Critic like a Bored Hilaire


Twilight Hath No Critic like a Bored Hilaire
a Twilight critique


contains spoilers
…Not that there’s so much to spoil…

I won’t even say I wanted to like Twilight. I was predisposed to hate it because my friends absolutely loathe it. Despite their disapproval, I read the book to see for myself why. It’s on principle: I don’t just dismiss a book as stupid and lame-o without reading it first. (Of course there are exceptions, like, Paulo Coelho’s works.)

Apparently, Twilight is stupid and lame-o.

There are several things about it which particularly bother me. I would have liked to first point out the summary, that ‘I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him’ part. It's sickeningly cheesy. I've read romance novels that aren't that cheesy, and where the gal doesn't go extremely gaga over the guy. I don't even think that being unconditionally and irrevocably in love is possible. Oh, well. Since it’s a romantic fiction, I’ll let that one slide.

I’ll just begin with the preface. Based on my experience, books are usually good when the first sentence draws you in, or at the very least, sounds interesting.

‘I'd never given much thought to how I would die – though I’d had reason enough in the last few months – but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.’

Not exactly that interesting, but okay enough. (Please note the hyphen, though, because Meyer uses a whole damn lot of those in the freakin' book. It's like she can't write two sentences without 'em hyphens.) I proceeded to read the rest of the preface and after finishing that, decided that maybe it was a prologue to the astounding conclusion of the book (when I finished the book, I thought, “…maybe it’s a prologue to the astounding conclusion of the series…”). Imagine my profound shock when I visited Meyer’s website and read that her preface actually fit in page 444. I checked my copy, and I was like, “Oh, so that’s it?” I certainly don’t have problems with understanding, yet never would have I imagined the preface to fit somewhere in Twilight. The least Meyer could have done was to paste that preface in page 444 so that her readers would go – “So here’s where the preface fits! I get it!” But nah, the readers are left to go figure and accept her apology for being vague. Meyer said it was all clear to her that she “didn’t realize the need” to get back to the preface. But she should remember she has readers – readers who don’t have mind-reading abilities to figure out what she’s thinking. What’s clear to her might not be clear to us. Meyer, we're not Edward Cullen. I apologize for not being gifted like he is.

I think everyone knows that the characters are essentially the ones who make up the book. It’s through them that the plot is developed, the conflicts are carried, the climax is revealed, stuff like that. And when you’re writing in a first person POV, you have to make that “first person” interesting and observant. Bella, our first person, is about as interesting as a rock. (No, wait, rocks are interesting, actually, because they help us study Earth... Okay, I say Bella is one of a kind boring. XD)

Isabella – okay, she prefers Bella - is nothing more than a Mary Sue. It doesn’t even take a genius to figure out that ‘Bella’ is Italian for ‘beautiful’. And her last name is ‘Swan’, which as a device in literature, symbolizes grace and beauty. Bella Swan? Beautiful Swan? Not very clever, really.

Here’s the big contradiction: She’s ordinary. At least that’s what she keeps on insisting throughout the book. I mean, practically everyone in her new school takes interest in her, like she's so very... attention-worthy. You'd think people in her school would have more life than paying attention to this klutzy girl who isn't even remotely interesting, but alas! you see everyone gawking at her. And she gets the guy who apparently “doesn’t date” because “none of the girls… are good-looking enough for him.” Her appearance is somewhat similar to the author’s, as well as her story of moving to a new place (see: Twilight FAQ). If it helps, she’s a klutz – a last ditching effort to not make her a complete Mary Sue. I don't even find her clumsiness funny. I think she has to see a doctor pronto. Man, it's okay to trip once in a while. But tripping on nothing every time is just not normal. And being a klutz is not a flaw enough to compensate for the five freakin' guys who are after her. Not one, not two, but five guys. Does it seem to you like Forks revolves around Bella? It seems so to me.

Most readers who like Twilight, I found out, relate to Bella. Well I don’t. I can’t. I can’t possibly relate with a young woman with no plans, no goals, no solid interests, no personality, no deep observations of life, no nothing - but is just “unconditionally and irrevocably in love with” her boyfriend. I really can’t. There’s something so shallow and pathetic about it; the way she’s willing to throw away her friends and family for a guy she has been acquainted with for just… two weeks? Besides, she is extremely boring, the sort which makes you fall asleep when she talks. And if she’s not obsessing over Edward, she does, well, nothing! Wait, she does. She whines, or she tells him and his family that she doesn’t want to be rescued even when it’s obvious that she’ll never be able to care for herself.

Meyer thinks Bella has a strong personality. Uhm, personality? No way. Bella has no personality. Strong personality? NO FRIGGIN' WAY. What is a strong personality, anyway? Being nuts over a guy? Being an idiot who can't live without her man? I thought having a strong personality are knowing who you are, what you want, and thinking rationally before you act. Is Apocalypse nearing? Are we beginning to define dog as a cat? Hello?

I would have liked it if Meyer had given Bella a little backbone and some brain cells, so she can get out of the stupid situations she puts her stupid self in. I don’t buy her “I grew up in Phoenix” statement. Nobody who grew up in a big city like Phoenix would be an idiot enough to wander around empty streets of an unfamiliar city alone. Then again, her idiocy is necessary to give way to her savior, Edward Perfect Cullen.

Edward Perfect Culen is a vampire – oops! – a perfect vampire. Edward is described as “lanky, less bulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair… more boyish than the others…” He’s the most beautiful thing which ever existed… Have I mentioned that he’s perfect? And that he has topaz eyes? And that he has the most perfect eyes, perfect nose, perfect lips, perfect face, perfect everything - even perfect feet? He's so perfect that he nearly replaces the Greek god Apollo's place in Olympus... but Meyer stops herself in time, and Apollo saves his place. I mean, being so much handsomer than Apollo himself is far too cliched, don't you think?

Edward’s also bipolar. He’s serious one time, and then laughs exuberantly another. Insane mood swings, I tell you. He’s supposed to be your perfect male protagonist – hawt!!! (not hot; it should be hawt and must always be followed by three exclamation points), dangerous, smart, mysterious, perfect, and, uhm, sparkly (although the last adjective is not really required; it’s just a bonus if you’re lucky enough). He has this stalker-ish behavior, which is sick: He sneaks into Bella’s room and watches her sleep before they even get to talk. Some think that it’s romantic, but it’s just creepy. I don’t understand what’s so romantic about it. (Geez, I think Twilight has things that I don’t and can never understand.)

Edward is 100-something years old (yes, more or less a century older than Bella, and yes, that makes him a pedophile. I mean, his hawt!!!ness doesn't change his real age, you know) and lives with his vampire family. Apparently he and his family don’t drink human blood, because they don’t want to be completely evil. They’re vegetarians: They only drink blood of animals. They are basically good vampires - who play baseball in the woods. Ha! Who told you it’s boring to be a vampire? You’re allowed to play baseball! And every myth about vampire is WRONG! Stakes, garlic, sleeping in coffin (although the idea of not sleeping ever was okay) – even sunlight!

But you know, age and race don’t matter in this book, because Edward and Bella actually fall in love! As for the reason… what is the reason again? Oh, because Bella smells good and Edward is hawt!!. They’re made for each other! It’s destiny! It's really one effed up destiny, if you ask me.

Seriously: The romance between them is forced and trite. And it’s even more boring than they both are, because they have no personality whatsoever. Geez, what am I saying? There’s no romance at all. There is no development of feelings. Just… BAM! They’re in love! They don’t even do anything but talk about how in love they are. From there, everything becomes sheer selfishness, and for the nth time, stupidity. Bella’s life revolves around her boyfriend, and nothing more. Not only is it absurd; it also gives horrible messages, namely:

1. It’s okay to fall in love in a matter of days and then risk your life for it.
2. You don’t have to have dreams or goals or anything like that; just get a girl/boyfriend. It’s far more important!
3. It’s perfectly fine to lie to your parents especially when it concerns your girl/boyfriend.
4. Ditch your friends. Girl/Boyfriend first, I tell you! Girl/Boyfriend first!

Considering the fact that Edward is so much older than Bella (like, hello, 107 years old?!), shouldn’t he be more rational? Shouldn’t he be the mature one? Knowing he can kill Bella, he should have just left her alone. But oh, he tells her to get away from him quick BUT! totally contradicts himself by approaching her himself!And how come Edward just blabbers everything to Bella? You know, the vampire stuff? For someone who has been in this world for more than a hundred years, he sure displays the maturity of a fetus.

And he’s supposed to be dangerous. Yeah, I know. He’s about as dangerous as my eraser. That could have worked, that dangerous drama, if only Bella had the wits to be actually scared. It’s funny; that girl’s so brainless you can’t possibly scare her! As for Edward, it would have been better if he had shown how dangerous he could be. Then again, he is a good vampire, and he doesn’t want to become a monster. So he can only talk about it when it would be cooler for him to show it. (“I’m dangerous. RAWR!” Haha. I'm practically shaking in laughter - I mean, terror - here.)

Oh, how could I forget! Edward SPARKLES UNDER THE SUN! Did you know that? Isn’t that cool? The coolest thing ever?! It’s like the nost magnificent thing next to Edward! Sparkly sparkles! He sparkles, man, he sparkles “like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface” of his skin! Sparkling! Glittering! Glistening! Scintillating! Oh! my! gosh! Meyer is so original! Who else could have thought that?!

The plot is absolutely zero (the romance between Bella and Edward is not a plot). It’s basically just “He’s a vampire, she’s not. They fall in love. End of story.” And there were a lot of questionable things, if not loopholes:

1. Why would the Cullens want to study in high school?! This is my number one question. Hello? Are they nuts? Can someone answer this for me?
2. Why would they want to blend in with the rest of humanity?
3. Why would they put themselves near humans when they know it’s hard to resist biting them?
4. Why would one bad vampire like to bite Bella specifically?

I’d like to answer and expand on loophole 4, because it’s absolutely preposterous. I didn’t even care about that James-vampire when he appeared, because his arrival was so cliched and so late. It’s like Meyer suddenly remembered that there should be something climax-y in Twilight, just to give it a semblance of a plot. "This James ought to do the trick. He should be the one to threaten Bella’s life and then she makes an insanely silly mistake and she almost gets killed BUT Edward rescues her!" See, that wasn’t so hard to figure out.

And another thing… why does James babble about his and Alice’s past? Like, he wasn’t even asked.
He just goes: "Due to some horribly random reasons which I myself don't know, I shall tell you about my past!" Geez.

Meyer’s writing style isn’t something to commend on either. She writes like an eleven-year old. She makes Dan Brown look like a Pulitzer Prize winner. Her words are stilted. The narration is unexciting, dragging, and redundant. Bella keeps telling the readers how much she hates the rain in the first 100 pages of the book, and how she can’t dance (I think the readers are smart enough to remember that after the first time it was mentioned – no need to keep on rubbing it). If not that, she repetitively says how perfect and beautiful Edward is (she said that about a million times). What’s ironic is that despite all the perfect descriptions of him, I never quite pictured him in my mind. I’m still wondering how the rest of humanity can drool and squeal at the thought of him. What's with his hawt!!!ness? I'm still very much caught in a quandary. Could someone, like, describe him to me? Please? I'll give you five bucks if you can. XD

Bella glares all the time, too. And she grimaces a lot, and hisses, and stumbles. Glares, grimaces, hisses, stumbles. Four redundant freakin’ verbs in a 500-page book. That’s not so much, unless you can count only to three.

Meanwhile, Edward always smiles his crooked smile, and he dazzles people (especially Bella). And don't forget: He's perfect.

Nobody ‘said’ anything. Characters only ‘gasped’, ‘chuckled’, ‘questioned’, and ‘answered’.

Meyer also occasionally uses ridiculously long words which don’t quite fit since the rest of her words are plain and simple. I remember one: Ostentatious. She could have simply used ‘showy’ or ‘flamboyant’, but it just had to be ostentatious. Why she used that, I’ve no idea. (Apparently, in the next books, Meyer uses bigger words. I wonder how big they are…)

And you know, Meyer ends Twilight with Bella attending the PROM. That’s how a vampire story should end: The heroine should attend the prom with her vampire boyfriend. In that ruffled gown and those stiletto heels… It just makes sense (although it did take Bella about ten years to figure out that Edward is taking her to the prom. What an idiot). Meyer skipped the almost action-y part (Emmett and Jasper’s dealing with James) but she elaborates on the prom. Wow. She amazes me. Like, really.

According to the awesome Miguel Cervantes de Saavedra, the author of Don Quixote, "There's no book so bad that there's nothing good in it". I used to think he was right... until I read Twilight. I was willing to acknowledge the fact that the cover of the book kind of gives the impression that what's inside isn't some random claptrap - I was willing to say that it's the book's saving grace. I changed my mind when I read that the apple says that Bella has the knowledge of good and evil. Please - the girl doesn't know anything. I didn't even see good and/or evil in Twilight. I saw stupidity, yes. But definitely not good and/or evil. Did anyone?

Now that I’ve finished reading and dissecting Twilight, I still don’t understand all the hype it’s getting. I sincerely don’t. Twilight reads like a baaaddd fan fiction, the sort which makes you gag because its author tells the world her delusions. It’s a complete bore, although I have to admit that some of its absurd parts are absolutely laughable. I recommend it to no one, not even my worst enemy. Of course, I won't stop you from reading it. Just a note: If you want to write something good, please don't follow Meyer's example. She shows mediocrity at its best.

41 comments:

Dark-Hearted Writer said...

Finally, a review on the most distasteful and boring novel of the century, Twilight! Thanks, Hilaire.

I loved it immensely. It was accurate, witty, and, most importantly, acerbic. It actually made me want to read it and post my own review. The question is, is it safe? Will my brain remain intact after I read it? Will I still remain intelligent? And who would be willing to lend me a copy of the most horrible book in the history of the world?

However, I disagree with you on one point: I think Cullen's the worst Twilight character. He's practically the epitome of all Gary Stus presently existing! He's hawt, has topaz eyes (WOW!), has none of the natural phobias of vampires (sunlight, uninvited entrances, wooden stakes, garlic)... The list goes on. Honestly, how could any intelligent person stomach such an annoying and disgusting character? Just reading about him makes me sick. I can actually see why Bella fell for him. She's stupid, and he's unrealistic. They're perfect for each other.

In its entirety, Twilight is a trite piece of garbage which should have never been created.

...DHW...

Anonymous said...

Hey, Eve. Hafta say, this is some good fun reading. Haha. Man, why did I wait that long before reading this?

Gotta say you're one brave girl, though. If a die-hard Twilight fan happened to pass by, you oughta be ready to take the flamin'. A horde of them and you better ready them Kevlars. But you'll do fine when that happens.

Well, you have to cut Twilight some slack. It is, after all, a debut novel, and Meyer's first. She was just putting her ideals on paper -- it ain't her fault if it landed her a publisher and a whole galaxy of devotees, right? She must have been still daydreaming about Bella and Edward (ahem...hawt!!!) when reality continued in the background and she went on to become a bestseller. She's innocent, sweetie. You know. Bella-innocent.

Yeah, so I don't like Twilight. But I'll still see the movie. Hey...what's a few bucks for the ultimate Mary Sue entertainment?


-Mrs Bettany
(you know me :D)

Hilaire said...

Hey anonymous. Haha. You made me laugh. Yes, it took you freakin' years! YEARS, I tell you! How could you have waited that long?! Haha.

Meyer's first freakin' novel? Uh... does it help if we consider the fact that she has already graduated college, has a husband and kids, and is about twice as old as we are?

I think I'll see the movie, too. Haha. Just call me or IM me or text me when you'll go, so I can join you. I wanna have a good laugh. XD

.Paul Bettany's mistress. XD

Anonymous said...

Hahaha. Suredy. I'm glad I made you laugh. See ya. Sorry this comment is so short. I'm running outta battery. Ciao, soon-to-be-ex-mistress. My husband's taking me out tonight. Haha

Jeanine said...

*raises hand*
I is a twi-hard.
You're ashamed to be related to me now aren't you?

I like to think I'm open-minded and I can totally see where you're coming from because yeah essentially it's toast. it's not bacon and eggs. (hmmm bacon!) Though, I still like toast.
Can you tell I'm hungry?

I agree but I like mindlessness. It was an easy read and a good way to eleviate my post potter depression.
How sad am i?

Anonymous said...

wow, thanks for the awesome review, its good to know i wasn't the only one that was gobsmacked that hordes of fans actually liked this huge steaming pile of trash.

it reads like mediocre fanfiction. the kind i would read, and then laugh. and not review.

i looked it up on ffnet, and there are tens of thousands of fics. why? what is there to add to this story? - i would say romance and angsting is pretty much covered, plus there's not much plot to speak of. the whole book is the most transparent, mary sue self-insert, i was cringing. i couldn't work out why the hell everyone liked bella so much, or why she was so graphically injured/fainting/emo all the time. Just get up, pansy!

so yeah, thanks for sharing your distaste, i thought i must be the only freak that didn't see the gem in the drivel. I'll still see the movie though, maybe without bella's annoying first-person narration with its frustrating self-esteem issues (if you don't like yourself, why the hell should i?) it will actually be an entertaining story. plus, cedric is hawt!!

Janeywaney said...

This is possibly the MOST ACCURATE review of this book I've ever seen.

Yes, I've gotten much death glares from die hard Twilight fans when I openly mock the book, but I suppose that's the fun. =]

When I first opened the book, all that ran through my mind was, "MARY SUE!! MARY SUE!! AAUUGGHH!!! ARIST LIVING HER DREAMS THROUGH BOOK CHARACTER!!!!!"

Thanks for the review.

hilaire said...

I love you people much. You understand me! You appreciate my criticism!

But yeah, I don't like Twilight much. Haha. BTW, keep checking this blog because my friends and I are planning to write a Twilight fan fiction. I'll post in here the link once we put it up.

Have fun reading, awesome peers.

P.S. Yup, I'm gonna watch the movie, because it has made me wonder: How would they make a frickin' movie out of an empty - I mean - good frickin' book like Twilight?!

Anonymous said...

Wow. This is my favorite review! (: You actually made this dislike Twilight, and I used to be a die-hard fan. Seriously. I would always read Twilight once a day and at school, I was always talking about it with my friends. Then, about two months later, it was so boring, I didn't want to read it. Thanks for posting this up (:
But I still like Edward and Alice (she's AWESOME)

Lily said...

THIS is supposed to be a "AWESOME" review? wellllll all I can say is that it was a...HORRIBLE review..UNLESS that word is ALSO too "big" for you to understand in which I will say "BAD"...maybe you're too let's see...dumb?(or is THAT too big of a word too?) Anyways...I HATED your review. And I also happen to be a "die-hard" Twilight fan. It isnt Meyer's fault that a certain PERSON (hilaire [who writes their name HILAIRE? AIR?]-laugh-) doesn't like the book now is it? And all those people who say that THIS "AWESOME" review was, and I quote dark-hearted writer, "It was accurate, witty, and, most importantly, acerbic." Well, NO, IT WAS NOT ACCURATE, WITTY, AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, ACERBIC. I don't care if I'm offending you, I HATE this damn review!

Mentally High said...

wow someone's getting all pissy...

Hey child! You have like a ~hater above me!!! Oh the funny things idiots do. You should link this to various sites and it shall bring us lulz. (haha I'm stooping to chatspeak!)

You know I agree with ya right? Twilight is not worthy of all the buzz.

Actually Mrs. Bettany being a debut novel is not much of an excuse. FIGHT CLUB was Chuck Palahniuk's debut novel (actually he first wrote Invisible Monsters). Virgin Suicides was Jeffrey Eugenides' first novel. Need I say more?

I don't like Twilight because it didn't appeal to me. I'm a teenager for Pete's sake! I should be lured and knocked senseless by the HAWTNESS (oh God...) of Cullen. But I felt nothing. It was too...bah. I've read better fanfic. I'm capable of swooning but why AM I NOT SWOONING?!

Oh yeah, WE ALL HAVE AN ENORMOUS VOCABULARY. (YES ~HATER ABOVE ME I'm TALKING TO YOU.) When you want to say something, just say it. Knowing synonyms does not make you awesome. (hmm..maybe you didn't understand the words that's why you liked it. You got blinded by the pseudo-smart words that's why you failed to see the idiocy that it apparently is!)

What's in a name? Why are you mocking her name? Dude what's wrong with you??!! If you read this I hope you learn how to flame properly. THIS IS HOW TO ~HATE!!!! You do not sacrifice your reason. Please I want you to put up a fight next time someone bashes your idol.I'm begging you DON'T SUCK NEXT TIME YOU DEFEND THINGS LIKE THIS!

Hey Hilaire you don't mind that I lashed out on the ~hater right? I'm sorry I couldn't help it. She was just soooo *sigh*

Dark-Hearted Writer said...

Hilaire, I really shouldn’t do this. Well, maybe I should. After all, I am a professional.

Miss lily, I daresay, you have the most amusing ideas. Unfortunately for you, all of them are absurd.

You claim Hilaire’s review to be a horrible one. Where are the evidences which support your claim? My dear, aren’t you aware of the fact that when you state something, you have to cite evidences which support your statement? Without sufficient substantiation, your comment is worthless.

Come to think of it, the Internet guys have a name for people like you. It’s “troll”. Get used to people (specifically, Twilight-haters who post their reviews on the Net) calling you that name. It’s true, after all.

You actually think the word “horrible” is a big word? Wow. Exactly how large is your vocabulary? I would hazard a guess at a hundred words at most, which is a feat, really, for idiots like you. Obviously, you haven’t encountered any really abstruse words yet. According to experts, vocabulary is the best gauge of a person’s intellect. This must be why you speak incoherently. You’re asinine. Don’t worry. Most Twilight-lovers are, anyway. You must be flattered.

Hating a review because it bashed your all-time favorite book? Yuck. That, my dear, is the worst, most absurd excuse EVER. You should have thought of the fact that people here would most certainly eat you alive if you posted your pitiable comment. You actually remind me of some of the dogs in my neighborhood. They, caged, bark helplessly at passers-by. Similarly, you try to insult and humiliate Hilaire while restricted by the fact that her review exposes Twilight’s absurdity. You’re pathetic.

Why bash her name? Is it even relevant? Or is it merely a weak, helpless attempt to humiliate Hilaire? Tsk, tsk.

You quoted me? I’m flattered. Really, I am. To show you how grateful I am, I’ll quote you, too. Here is your most amusing statement: “Well, NO, IT WAS NOT ACCURATE, WITTY, AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, ACERBIC.” Wait, that doesn’t sound right. There are quite a few errors.

1. How is it inaccurate? Hilaire provided evidences to support her claim, therefore succeeding in her exposition of Twilight. (Evidences are really important, aren’t they? Too bad you forgot to cite yours. Of course, that depends if you had any to cite in the first place.) It’s obvious she was spot on about her statements. ERROR NUMBER ONE: RESOLVED

2. How is it witless? Considering the fact that you are an idiot, I deem you incapable of judging whether or not a person’s article lacks wit. After all, it takes intelligence to detect it. ERROR NUMBER TWO: RESOLVED

3. How is it not acerbic? If it isn’t acerbic, then why are you even here? Do you even know what “acerbic” means? ( Just so you know, it means “caustic”. Helpful, aren't I?) Didn’t you post your awful comment because you were deeply affected by Hilaire’s biting critique? Or are you simply trolling? ERROR NUMBER THREE: RESOLVED

Congratulations, Miss lily. You’ve just committed the blunder of the millennium. If I were you, I’d start wearing a paper bag over my head. It wouldn’t conceal your stupidity, but it would most certainly make you feel better.

P.S. Hilaire, I apologize for this ridiculously long comment. I couldn’t help myself.

P.P.S. I retract my statement about how Edward Cullen’s the worst Twilight character. I believe Bella’s beaten him and taken his place. Haha!

P.P.P.S. Twilight SUCKS.^^

P.P.P.P.S. So does Stephenie Meyer. ^^

Hilaire said...

lily, darling, don't make us laugh our arses off.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Tell me, please, what made my review oh-so-horrible? Ah, wait. 'Horrible' is too big a word! Lemme change it to 'bad'. Oops. Still too big for me! You know, I had to consult the dictionary for the meaning of 'horrible' and 'bad'! Geez. 'Dumb'? Crap, another BIG word from you, lily! Whoa. I'm sooo rendered speechless by
your wide vocabulary! OMG! You're like, the most amazing person next to Edward Cullen! Really!

Just for the record, 'hilaire' is a French term meaning 'mirth' or 'cheerfulness'. You know, there was also this French writer, a collegue of Oscar Wilde, whose name was 'Hilaire'. Goes to show you don't know your literature. BUT! don't worry! I'm not taking it against you! I mean, you managed to read the best piece of literature, right? Namely, Twilight?

Regarding the 'air' thing... Are you trying to be funny? Just because two words rhyme doesn't mean you can readily associate them. Puh-leez. Surely, someone who
has read Twilight knows better than that! Or... am I wrong? Haha. Were to actually trying to insult me? Please don't bother. It just amuses me too much.

Try explaining why you hate my review. Don't go screaming bloody murder when you can't even counter ONE thing I highlighted in my critique. People shouldn't dismiss
things as 'horrible' (oh, darn, too big a word for me!) without reason. It's just wide of the mark. While we're at it, why don't YOU explain why you love Twilight?

"...is THAT too big of a word too?" *cackles like a witch* Is it because I highlighted Meyer's ridiculous use of the word 'ostentatious'? I don't even find the word too big. Like I've said, it just didn't fit in with the rest of what she wrote. It produced the effect that Meyer picked up a thesaurus, looked up 'showy', and then chose the longest word amongst the many synonyms. Or maybe she pressed shift+F7 in her PC! (Credits to Mentally High... I didn't know that shortcut.) Lol.

Offend me? Don't wish that much, lily. That's like, a shot in hell.

Mentally High: Oh, heck. I'm getting fond of chatspeak, too! BTW, some of my classmates think Twilight ROCKS. O_O
Dark-hearted Writer: I don't hate Twilight. I just dislike it. And I don't mind long comments. Although... yours WAS quite long. Bella has beaten
Edward? I think it's a draw! XD

Mentally High said...

Ditto. WE DON'T HATE IT, we just don't like it. Is it so hard to understand that some people are just so freakin' different? Meyer is not bad she just doesn't have the skill to reach snarky people like us. She could only write for a select crowd. (A screaming pink-wearing and/or fake emo crowd)

Dude (DHW) let's refrain from calling them stupid because they like the book. Let's remain civil. (wow I'm soo diplomatic today...)We're acting like them just because they like it doesn't mean they're stupid. It just means that we have different tastes. You have your Gaiman, Hilaire her Crichton and me with my Puzo and Eugenides. they just don't have the will to look for greater books. (they like romance...we don't)

BUT WE CAN CALL THEM IDIOTS WHEN THEY PULL OFF SHIT LIKE THIS:

"THIS is supposed to be a "AWESOME" review? wellllll all I can say is that it was a...HORRIBLE review..UNLESS that word is ALSO too "big" for you to understand in which I will say "BAD"...maybe you're too let's see...dumb?(or is THAT too big of a word too?) Anyways...I HATED your review. And I also happen to be a "die-hard" Twilight fan. It isnt Meyer's fault that a certain PERSON (hilaire [who writes their name HILAIRE? AIR?]-laugh-) doesn't like the book now is it? And all those people who say that THIS "AWESOME" review was, and I quote dark-hearted writer, "It was accurate, witty, and, most importantly, acerbic." Well, NO, IT WAS NOT ACCURATE, WITTY, AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, ACERBIC. I don't care if I'm offending you, I HATE this damn review!"

WE CAN DEFINITELY CALL THEM STUPID FOR THAT.

Guys next time let's not read a book for the sake of reading it. Okay? It's a waste of time. Besides if we stick to where we like we won't get aggravated by asshats.

Hilaire said...

But sometimes it's just too fun to miss, Mentally High! Whoa, you ARE begin civil. What a surprise! ^_^

Ho-ho. Yeah, I still have MY Crichton! XD Hey, I like romance. I even, uhm, "write" romance. Unfortunately, Meyer doesn't know what romance is. Or maybe she has her own definition of romance, I don't know. Tsk.

Hilaire said...

*begin = being. Sorry.

verabear said...

This review has convinced me to actually read Twilight! The die-hard fans couldn't do it, but you have. I'll have to wait until after I read it to know if I'll be thanking you, or otherwise :)

This here is a good read, comments included.

Hardcore Twilight Hater said...

FINALLY someone who agrees that Stephenie Meyer's novel is nothing but a load of crap about her own fantasies. Especially since you mentioned that Bella has lots in common with Meyer herself, I sincerely believe that Twilight was Meyer's extended brooding over a dream or something equally meaningless and insignificant. Isn't that what diaries are for? What the hell was her publisher thinking? Was Twilight ever edited??????

Lots said...

Whoa, man. Go easy on poor lily. Haha. You have to admit, her coming here alone without pitchfork-and-torch-armed backup of...twi-hards...is rather admirable, perhaps even noble. I won't say it's smart, but it's certainly brave.

Well, I hope the twi-haters also keep a rein on their passions. It ain't too healthy to be too amped about something like this. You know, you guys hate rather brilliantly -- very cynically and mean-ly well -- but is Twilight really the best muse for those expert hatreds you are all capable of?

Yeah, I don't like Twilight, and I don't really like the way Meyer writes. But we really can't do anything about it. Hehe. We just hafta accept it as a bestseller and all. The God of Literature would be the judge of that. Haha.

Anyway, nice to see Preemee and Evey here. Haha. Hope to see you guys soon. Take it easy on the Twilight thing. You might find yourself losing some hair soon.

I totally get freedom of speech. And everyone has a right. Just rein it all in a bit more...can't we all talk this over in a nice way? Hahaha.

I understand that this post might awaken some rather hostile resistance. And that's okay. Everyone's entitled (and liable) to their own opinion.

Keep writing, Evey! I'm a fan. Hehe.



~Lotsie
(Mrs. Bettany :D)

Anonymous said...

Damm, good reiview. I don't get what is hot about a guy that feels like a stone and that has no personality.

I decided to do a little experiment to see how Edward really feels like, Yep i started going around to every god dam statue made out of stone and sat on it. I looked like a real idiot, but at least i got the feeling that Bella did when she sat or hugged Eward :)

Stephanie only focuses on looks and not personality. Have you noticed that the only thing that Bella can say about Edward is that he is hot and smells great.

Abby said...

I like Twilight yet I wished that everyone died! I mean the 4th book sucked! Bella should die!!!
You Rock!!!!!

Anonymous said...

hmm...i like twilight yes and like what jeanine your cousin(yes i know her and micah too!!^^)said, i understand some of the points you make but honestly half of them i don't understand. You could say i'm blinded by my love for Twilight but that ain't the case.

If you could please just answer me this. why read, not just Twilight but the other books also if you didn't like the first one?

Also, I do agree Meyer popped James out of nowhere, but it is a saga so it continues. Meyer does have to write about how Bella and Edward fall in love. It can't just get straight to a plot, it needs to capture the audience which a lot of audience were captured. they didn't need a massive plot for them to be captured...it's not that we are stupid and lame to have been captured by this book, but in my opinion because it’s what we want to see and read.

Also I personally don’t relate to Bella what so ever. She’s clumsy and somewhat of a dimwit, which she loses in the other books. She gains let’s say her brain back maybe after the being thrown by James…the little prom thing where she thought she was going to be changed into a vampire was just a long aftershock I guess and then maybe she became a less of a dimwit. But anyway I just lost my train of thought. Bella is what they say original and boring in your case. But I’m sorry to say not everyone is exciting as you I guess, I sure ain’t as smart and critical like you but I’m original but not boring. I don’t think there would be many girls who aren’t clumsy and stupid at the same time. Look at Goneril and Regan from King Lear they were dumb and also Catherine from Wuthering Heights well so to speak dumb. It’s hard to make a story with the girl being perfect because that’s not how readers will want to see the protagonist as a perfect girl.

Moving on, Bella and Edwards love cannot be explained as 1) it’s a fiction love story 2) he’s a vampire how would anyone relate to that kind of love and 3) like what Meyers wrote ‘the more you loved someone, the less sense anything made’

To your question…this is what I think
1)They want to fit in, be what they are suppose to be at their age as they are different from other vampires. Their dad is a doctor and they chose to want to live the way they do. Act as children and go to school like good little vampires should.
2)Once again they want to fit in with the rest of the world because that’s what they want. They don’t want to hurt those around them. They want to live the best they could because in the book it shows that they have a conscious right and if all the humans were gone all sucked out, they would die too…I guess you could say it’s more about the circle of life...if you studied biology you’d know what I mean.
3)Your questions just revolves into one whole question…why bother living with humans? They live with the humans to fit in and of course having different beliefs compared to the other vamps in the book they want to live their life to what they believe is the right thing. Even though if it hurts them. They know being with the humans is the best for them.
4)The bad vampire you’re talking about is James so I guess because he’s the main guy in the plot and well he’s a tracker. Well you should know what James want, and its kind of self explanatory if you read the book…this was a game to James. So his other coven didn’t want to bite Bella but help James get to her, because this was James’s game not anyone else’s.

okay then i'm tired...i still love Twilight for many reasons i didn't like it for any reasons you said they were bad.

peace out...eric[k]a

JaiBerry said...

Oh gosh, where do I start...

Let me start with I freaking love you! I mean, I liked (the d being the key letter there) and I agreed with every single point you made and I adored how witty you were about it. I was cracking up the entire time.

And, I wish Bella would die-- technically, I would have to wish for her to never be created-- and then there's that crappy ass cliché, like honestly? Hello! Clumsy Stupid New Girl, meet Bad-Ass Hot Guy!

Oh, Edward. Topaz colored eyes? Errm, that's an insult to me, cause my birthstone is topaz! Don't associate that horrid character to me! I used to adore Edward Cullen, but then everyone else started liking Twilight and I reread the book, and I wondered what was wrong with me. And to be honest, I think topaz is piss colored. "OHEMGEE! EDWARD CULLEN IS SO HAWT!!! HE HAS PISS COLORED EYES!" Whoop-dee-doo-da!

Twilight was plotless to be honest. New Moon was horrid and a menace to trees (it wasted like, 10 pages, each of them merely labeled 'November' 'December'! December comes after November! Nice job, Sherlock!). Eclipse. Wee! A good waste of 500 pages.

Don't get me started about Breaking Dawn, I think Meyer took a dose of ecstasy or something. Cause the first 100 pages were basically Bella being a teenage girl with way too many over-active hormones in her system.

Oh, and another bad message Twilight presents? Pedophilia. Oh, just a 100 something year old watching a 18 year old in her sleep. Like, that's like, like, so like, romantic-like! Insert gagging here.

Hilaire, didn't you know? Sparkly Edward is to lure in innocent 13 year olds to read a book promoting pedophilia and tainting there eyes with the worst thing to happen to there life since finding out Barney hid crack in his tail.
Meyer: "Come here little girls! Read my book, the main character is hawt!!! He has piss colored eyes and he SPARKLES LIKE THE DRESSES YOUR BARBIES USED TO WEAR!" Yeah.

Yeah, so that was the longest comment ever, but your review lit a flame under my ass (that was as hawt!!! as Edward Cullen).

I'm going to see the movie now with my die-hard twilight fan friends and laugh my ass off at Robert what's-his-face hideous looking hair and the immense amount of product placement. :)

Your review was awesome :) You should definitely do more of those! xD

rosie said...

good review. (got to this site via kevin, your friend, i guess.) i wrote one for new moon, it's on my blog if you want to read. hehe. http://freethinker0028.blogspot.com

i'm glad there are more haters than i thought there were. :))

Twilight is THE WORST BOOK I HAVE EVER READ. And New Moon? Uh.

(i'm rosie from polsci, btw. :)

Hilaire said...

@ Anonymous: Lol, you really shouldn't have done that. Haha. Hugging a statue isn't really very healthy. XD

Ooh, yeah, looks. The entire point of Twilight is this: "It doesn't matter how creepy someone is, as long as he's hawt. It's perfectly okay!" Haha. And they call it a romance.

@Kirei_na_sora: Are you asking me why I read the rest of the series? (Your wording was rather confusing; I didn't really get what you were trying to say.) Actually it's all on principle, like I've said: I don't dismiss books as stupid and/or lame-o without reading first. Although it's not as if having read the rest of the books changed my stand about Twilight being horribly butchered. I read New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn so fans wouldn't be able to say that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. XD

Twilight a saga? Lolwut.

Every novel needs a plot because that's exactly where the writer is supposed to start. It's one of the elements, remember? (Aside from characters, conflict, setting and theme.) Why should Twilight be an exception to this?.

What exactly do you want to see and read? Bella looking down on practically every human she comes in contact with? Bella treating her father with disdain? Bella
incessantly describing how 'perfect' Edward is? Bella flattered by Edward's stalker-ish behavior? Bella ditching her friends for her vampire boyfriend? Bella telling us what her breakfast is? O.O You mean you were captured by all that? Just asking.

So she's clumsy. I think she has a problem... or something. She becomes less of a dimwit in the other books? But in New Moon Bella jumps off a cliff to hear more of her delusions! Whatcha call that? Smart?

Excuse me, but did I read it right? "Bella is what they say original and boring in your case...." Pause. Bella is original? In what way?! Gah, have you read any Mary Sue articles these past few days? I'm telling you, Bella is far from original. Boring, yes, but original? That's like telling me that the world is flat.

"It’s hard to make a story with the girl being perfect because that’s not how readers will want to see the protagonist as a perfect girl." Look, you've obviously missing my point. I suggest you read my post again, because I've even provided evidences that Bella is your perfect Mary Sue. Her clumsiness isn't a flaw, for the record. BTW, do you know what a Mary Sue is? I'd gladly explain if you don't.

As for your reasons:

1. "...it’s a fiction love story...."

Oh, that reason. Let's see. According to Tom Clancy (or someone, I don't really remember), the difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense. It's still romance, what Twilight is trying to convey. The only difference is that Edward's a vampire and Bella's human. But hey, Edward was once human, wasn't he? Bella is still human, isn't she (I mean in Twilight)? That means they both have the same human emotions as we do. So why do you say we can't explain it? Love can be explained, whether it's in books or in real life. For example, one of my friends fell in love with her ex-boyfriend because he's intelligent, caring (not the stalker-ish kind, okay?), and he makes her laugh. All Bella does is bitch and Edward falls in love with her somehow. Edward stalks Bella and she somehow finds that romantic - when that alone is creepy enough without the vampire stuff. I'm really confused. I can safely say it can't be explained because it doesn't make sense, but I can't say I can't explain it just because it's fiction.

2. "...he [Edward] ’s a vampire how would anyone relate to that kind of love...."

I don't get it. So he's a vampire. That's already negated by the fact that he's behaving in a very human way, so I don't see the conflict, really.

3. "...like what Meyers wrote ‘the more you loved someone, the less sense anything made’...."

Which is exactly what she shouldn't be sending to the lovely teenagers reading her work. Twilight tells you to be stupid for love, to overlook every freakin' flaw of your lover because you love him/her, and to lie to your parents just so you can spend time with your boyfriend/girlfriend, to have no goals in life but to be with the man/woman of your life. I'd like to ask, do those things sound very nice to you? They sound damn stupid and quite unhealthy to me.

As for fitting in, well, why do they have to fit in?! You'd think after eons of living as vampires they'd already accept their vampirism whole-heartedly, seeing as they no longer have a choice. But oh, you see Meyer's vampires trying live with human beings! WTF. And vampires studying in high school? That's the laaammmestthing I've ever read since The Alchemist.

You'd think James would be more creative than that. I mean, why not bite lotsa other innocent people other than Bella? That's bound to catch the Cullens' attention more than anything, since Forks is sorta their territory. Oh, but how could I forget. Everything revolves around Bella.

@JaiBerry: Gosh, yeah, pedophilia. I totally forgot to accentuate that, but I will, definitely, when I post my review of the other books. :)

@Rosie: I think Kevin has been telling me about you since, I dunno, today. XD But hey, glad you linked. I'll be reading your review. :)

eris of khaos said...

Star Wars is considered a saga. Lord of the Rings is not only a trilogy but a legend. Why is there a so-called "Twilight Saga"? A saga is defined as a "narrative of heroic deeds" - Thank you Mr. Webster... There was nothing heroic about Bella giving up her whole life for a guy she was obsessing over for two weeks, and nothing heroic about Edward liking Bella for her smell and then falling in love with her but not before angsting over it for a book or two...

Twilight is just plain weird... and I think this is really just a formulaic fiction dashed with sparkles. A dark, moody, untouchable boy falls in-love with the plain but not so plain new girl; ring any bells?

Thank you Hilaire for opening everyone's eyes! I love yah!!! =)

rosie said...

i didn't read all the comments when i posted before. YOU HAVE HATERS!!! I envy you now. i had, like, a few nasty comments. no haters. but there were fangirls who gave me nasy stares when i bashed it in public. btw, kevin looks like lucas grabeel doesn't he? again, good review. die meyer die. :))

rosie said...

*nasty. (sorry. weird keyboard.)

Hilaire said...

@Rosie: Ehrm, I don't really like haters. It's quite entertaining, to be honest, but also... plain shocking. I mean, you'd think people nowadays would know better than hurl ad hominem or stuff like that. Haha.

Yup, we've been telling Kevin that! Haha! It's so good that other people also notice!

@Eris of khaos: Where art thou, darling dear? You can now rip off the review! I've kind of edited already. Sorry for the delay. :)

rosie said...

reading haters' comments directed at something you wrote is quite entertaining. they sound insane 90 % of the time. :D

Anonymous said...

Wow, you are a great critic, case closed.

Truth be told, I haven't finished reading the third book, but after reading your review, I want to finish it as soon as possible so that I can get to the fourth book. Damn, I am still clueless as to why many (Twi-hards and Twi-haters alike) dislike/hate it (Breaking Dawn) the most (that is according to my current observation, though).

To be honest, I used to be a fan of Twilight, but now (thanks to your review!) realization dawned upon me. It had so many... imperfections? (I have no idea what word I should use because I have a small range of vocabulary.) I no longer love it, yet, I don't hate it. I just feel... neutral about it now.

I agree with your review wholly, especially about the whole series not having a decent plot. I mean, I myself am quite confused as to how Edward and Bella's love... developed. (Yeah, right! DEVELOPED! Does having one second of eye-contact make you fall in love with someone unconditionally?!)
It's like, Bella stared at Edward, Edward caught Bella's gaze and BAM!!! they fall in love with each other! (Damn, that was fast! I didn't even have time to blink!)

I salute you, Hilaire, for sharing your honest and entertaining criticism about Twilight!

P.S.
I had to say this, I liked the book better that the movie, PERIOD.

Anonymous said...

i must say that your "opinion" about Twilight made me laugh. But i disagree in most of them...more like completely with some exceptions. Just because you didn't like it(more like hate) doesnt mean you have to bash Twilight i understand that you want people to know your opnions but i think this completely childish. I mean who gives a f*ck if you hate twilight...and it's not Stephanie's Meyers fault that people love her books.

And give her a break that's her first book...did you even the read the rest of the series? (i didnt read your whole "Critic") because i thought that plot have been more developed through out the series.

next one about the falling in love thing...Honey have you ever been in love? i mean like someone really loving you back...(im not talking about one-sided love ok)
If you did you WOULD have understand bella and edward's love story. And if you never been REALLY in love then you just cant or you can if you have an open-mind...which i dont think you do.

and lastly dont insult an author if you dont even know how to be one...i read one of your stories in fanfiction.net... the one "The game let's pretend".... it's good but seriously is the whole story going to focus on natsume and mikan's date... you have been describing it for about the whole story..

i didnt mean any harm i just want you to know what i think about your opinion.

Hilaire said...

@ Anonymous (the one who posted at 6:37:00 AM on Jan 2) : I just posted my opinions. I don't mean to call myself a critic (as for the title, well I always have fun when it comes to screwing quotes up or something like that XD) - I'm too educated for that. Haha. (Oscar Wilde said that critics have never been to universities, you know.)

Breaking Dawn is like, The Bore. :P You won't lose anything even if you don't read it, really. XD

:o Wow, a used-to-be fan of Twilight! Amazing. Did what I post really have THAT much impact so as to make you change your mind about the book? Whoa. It's flattering, admittedly, and quite unbelievable. I am shocked beyond belief. XD

Plot, yeah, one of the most basic elements. Totally elementary. Twiight's got no plot - really depressing when you realize that Meyer wasted lotsa paper for it. Heh.

I didn't watch the movie (sorry Carlota!) so I can't compare. I was able to watch fragments, though, and I thought that the makeup they used was just hilarious. I mean, you could see that Pattinson's neck isn't as pale as his face! Oh my gosh, I think I almost cried laughing at that alone! XD

@ Anonymous (the one who commented before this): How could you have posted a comment when you didn't the whole post? O.o Truly, people shouldn't do that. It's quite unhealthy.

I dislike Twilight. I don't hate it, since hating a book is something about as pathetic as loving a character in a book.

I did read the rest of the series. I think some of my brain cells died in the process. Lol. But seriously, I did read the rest of 'em. I was (NOT) surprised when I realized that they haven't any plot either! Wow.

Honey, there's no love between Bella and Edward, so please don't insist it. What they have is LUST. Or hormones. Or something like that. Please don't tarnish that beautiful thing called 'love' by associating it with what Edward and Bella have. Please. Mmkay?

...and lastly dont insult an author if you dont even know how to be one...

Let's see. I admittedly don't know how to be an author. I don't even have plans of being an author. And my fic - sheesh. You actually brought that one up. My gosh. Haha. I am speechless, really. I didn't know that a fan fic should be compared to a published novel (even if this published novel, Twilight, isn't much of a published novel at all). I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted. XD

I posted what I had to say without meaning to change anybody's opinion. I just felt like having my say. Don't worry; your comment's pretty much okay, anyway. At least you weren't raving or something stupid like that. :P

Anonymous said...

i love twilight, cause i read the books in spanish and they fixed a lot of things in the translation. A LOT. they even made bella hella funnier, made edward actually hot, its pretty cool.
when i read the originals expecting it to be even better, i almost fainted. what a load of shit. bella is ridiculously boring.
i think i'll stick with the translations.

Rosie said...

Hehehe. This entire page has filled me with glee. I have read twilight, and the second and third books (I was planning on reading the fourth but I was so damn bored by then that I just read this instead...http://shinga.deviantart.com/art/Head-Trip-Breaking-Dawn-98016573 and I feel I got the idea (and I'm sure it's a lot funnier than the book was intended to be).

Sooo, I decided to read the books because my sister and a few of my friends had read them and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Twilight was fun for about 20 pages...and then I just got bored...so bored. I just held on to the hope that it would get better. I was just generally freaked out by the obsessiveness this book brings out in people...the characters were so hate-able!

(I write very disjointed comments, I apologise)

I was disturbed by the book, and that grew into boredom and hate and many more similar emotions. My sister likes the books and she got a little sick of me trying to talk about it so it is so good to just come online and read some twi-hate. So good. I like reading reviews where people, such as you Hilaire, put my jumbled thoughts into a much more eloquent form of communication. I thank you for that.

Also, twi-hards are scary. Actually anyone who reads the same book/watches the same movie more than 10 times in one month needs a little more creativity in their interests. *sigh*

Hilaire said...

@ Anonymous: Oh, wow, I don't speak Spanish, but if they altered Twilight somehow, I guess that would make the whole book lotsa better. I mean, adding personality to either of the main characters won't hurt, and should prove to be a more interesting read.

@ Rosie: For the record, I finished all the books. Haha. I had to, so I'd know what I'm talking about and people can't tell me I can't judge the book. In my case, one of my friends told me all about the book's hype (trust me, I'm not the most updated person in the world) and told me I should read it to see the truth that it's, well, *just* hype.

Some Twi-hards are pretty okay in general, but there are several ones who get pretty nasty when you say you don't like Edward. XD 'Glad you think the same way I do; Literature still has hope. :)

Anonymous said...

I was choosing my way between being a 'die-hard Twilight fan with Lily' or be one of the 'Wise people who believes that Twilight is crap'. Ha. I chose the latter.

I downloaded each one of the "Saga" books, including the leaked chapters of Midnight Sun. It's a wonder what the internet can do. I even bought the whole series since practically everyone in school was craving for it. I wanted to see for myself what the commotion was about. Well, who wouldn't be curious when every freaking person in sight has a 500 or something-paged book on their hands?

I admit, I became a fan when I read them once. But when I kept rereading them again over summer, I realized, "Damn, what a waste of money!" I mean, Super Edward ( hawt!) Cullen's an overprotective 108-year-old virgin while Klutzy Isabella Swan's a horny Mary Sue who thinks that she can get everything she wants just by seducing her pseudo-turned-real-boyfriend. Plain disgusting. Like you stated, " He's a vampire. She's not. They fell in love. End of story." Totally cliched.

Please excuse myself for the terribly long review. I'm a really talkative person when it comes to commenting. And thanks a million for giving some sense to those "Twi-hards" by posting this blog, and perhaps, myself was included. You saved me from a serious brain damage.

Anonymous said...

I hate Twilight as well. It sucks. BAD.

But I will say that I enjoyed a rewrite of it I was shown on Fanfiction. net. This version did not sicken me to my stomach.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4999187/1/Twilight_the_Rewrite

Even if you hate twilight, you might enjoy this because of how well it's actually written. I recommend this greatly.

Anonymous said...

LMFAO not only was this review top notch, but the comments & Lily's rant had me rollin'.

I could not bring myself to read the books, but watched both movies and found myself trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with this girl, Bella... Sounds like the book makes it even worse.

Jonty Nation(TM) said...

So Bella is an alter ego of Meyer herself, a cougar masterbating over a toy-boy vampre fantasy lover?

I only got as far as three pages before I threw in the towel from Meyer's clunky dialog and insipid narrative. Come on Steph, at least use some great similes or metaphors - oh, wait, that's right, Raymond Chandler, Cormac McCarthy et al have used them all up. Invent some new ones then.

I guess we have to cut Meyer some slack? Or not?

On the other hand, like 'The Boy In The Striped Pajamas', just because you're writing for a young audience does not give one carte blanche to werite sloppily.

'Discuss' :-D

Anonymous said...

I never finished the review, but I did read a good bit and you've pointed out things that I didn't really notice. I laughed through this and I couldn't help but nod at every statement made. It is highly idolized when it lacks many things a good literary work needs. Its basically a boring, dead-ended romance with vampire scares thrown in randomly. Nothing more except for the dragging on about Edward's sparkliness.

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